I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
