I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
