Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
