I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
