And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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