Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
