guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
