i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
