Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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