I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Bring me that man meat
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
