I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
