Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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