There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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