wakey wakey hands off snakey
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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