so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
