Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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