my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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