Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize