i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
