Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
