I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We left the knife in your bed.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
