Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
