Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
