so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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