my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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