dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
