They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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