I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize