Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
