I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
