i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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