if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
