More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
