I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
