Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
