How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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