I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
