i think my tv is drunk
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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