'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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