Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I pour the whiskey from now on
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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