i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
