I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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