I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
