So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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