the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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