worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
did i walk over a car last night?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
