I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
