I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
