we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
