Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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