this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
