They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
