Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
