The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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