I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
