I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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