I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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