This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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