Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The uberlube is also flammable
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
